Zach’s IM on his phone dinged, indicating that he had gmail. Mr. Happy dinged in response. Everybody he knew, everybody with the exception of Em, texted. Even his parents texted. It was one o’clock in the morning and he had just gotten into bed after dinner and drinks with Dad and Joan. They’d played Scrabble and talked after dinner and she’d kicked his ass. She was good with words, he’d always beat his father pretty easily, and he’d been humbled. He liked her, and liked how Dad was with her. Enzymes and induced fit; loved had worked wonders on him, and probably her, too. She was a happy lady.
E: I just woke up from a dream and you were with Lwaxana Troi, she had on this kind of black wonder woman suit with the swirly silver boob armor and ink and piercings all over and spike heeled boots and a cat toy with feathers on the end, and she was tickling you with it and you couldn’t stop laughing and you were laughing so hard Mr. Happy wouldn’t stand up for her so she kept tickling you more and more and then me and the big tall guy who carries her suitcase starting getting together, and you went all nuts, asking me if I had no taste at all to be straddling that big goon and I said he had a nice smile and was really strong and cooked really well and always washed the dishes and best of all he didn’t say much but I was only yanking your chain but you didn’t know it and so then Mr. Happy got all worked up and then Lwaxana got all worked up and she threw you down and started straddling you and that kind of pissed me off since you hadn’t really invited her to throw you down and straddle you like that so I told the big guy what was his name? I told him to go pull her off of you and he did and so she turned around and threw him down and started fucking his brains out. You’re right, she’s a beast. I’m going back to sleep now. ‘night. XO
He didn’t even get a chance to respond, and Mr. Happy was all worked up. He sighed, rolled over, and fell fast asleep. They’d enjoyed quite a bit of good California red wine, and Mr. Happy’s heart wasn’t all that into it right then. Em was asleep.
Mr. Happy’s heart was beating. He was standing half mast at the loins of Zachary Richard, his childhood heroic self image. He’d heard the Zydeco guy one time down in New Orleans and made the connection with his middle name, Richard. Dick. He hated the name Dick, Zachary Richard was cool. When he was a kid, he imagined that he’d be a squeeze box player on his Enterprise, instead of the flute. He’d just made up a really good limerick to fool the Ferengi traders into taking Lwaxana in exchange for their cargo hold full of Zinfandel. They could be heard howling in submissive joy as she made each one her sex slave, both genders, it didn’t matter to her. The big guy kept pouring drinks and ringing his bell, every time Lwaxana got her bell rung by one of the Ferengi.
The Kardashians were attacking, Kim and Courtney’s faces were all done up like war-like reptilian enemies of the Federation, and they had on snake-skin thongs. Their butts had scales all over them, and little bitty prehensile tails were wiggling around, pointing at their butt cracks. Mr. Happy almost fainted, it was so creepy, but then Em showed up, and she had on Ohura’s little red dress and she was getting all sassy with Sulu over in the corner, and he had on a little red dress, too, only he was an old gay man, and Spock and Data were working out, Spock looking all buff and hairy and badass with those pointy ears and that Pon Farr attitude and Data was lifting weights with his dick and whistling pop goes the weasel and Mr. Happy’s heart really got pumping and he looked over at Em who was kicking Sulu’s ass in an all out bitch fight and he starting yelling number one number one and he suddenly realized he really needed to pee and woke up.
He decided to step outside; it was so much easier than trying to hit the toilet with the angle he had to work with. Marin county was really nice and Woodacre a cool little town. He wondered how his dad would do with it after so many years in the city. Or if he would. Or if Joan would move. Of it they’d try to do long distance or part time here and part time there or what. There was definitely good chemistry between them, and something had brought them together. In cells, all those molecules bouncing around, they’d all end up coming together eventually he supposed. Enzymes just made it happen a whole lot faster, they fit with the substrates, brought them together. Sometimes they took things apart. But with that recycling, it was all just part of a grand dance of interaction and energy transfer and change.
After what seemed like forever, he finished with returning nitrogen to the earth, that stuff that the plants had taken up so they could grow, and then provide food for something else, maybe even something kind of like Zach.
It’s all a great big system, he thought. Even as I’m pissing into the wind the molecules of piss which is just water and nitrogenous wastes are flying through molecules of air and there’s already water there and carbon dioxide and nitrogen gas and oxygen and maybe its reacting with something and really when you think about that water like the surface of a lake at some scale it’s probably impossible to tell where the water ends and the atmosphere begins because there’s water evaporating off the surface all the time.
He climbed back into bed, Mr. Happy curled up and ready to go to sleep. H dreamed of studying with Emily.
Linda Brooke Stabler, Ph.D.